Happy Gawddam New Year

Yes,  back again.

For now at least.  Those of you with ADD know EXACTLY what I mean by that.

2014 was a weird, difficult year in many ways.  I think really it's just that it had so many changes associated with it:

• New child
• New car
• No dog
• Financial issues
• Health issues
• Etc

Don't get me wrong: I actually have a pretty good life.  It will probably never evolve beyond 'pretty good', because I had a sense of lowered expectations drilled into me early on in my life.  No matter how good things are, they can be better.  

This is both a good thing, and a bad thing.

It's good, in that one always look to improve things around you.  And once improved, there is a real sense of satisfaction and accomplishment in having made something better.

It's bad, in that you are always scrutinizing your environment.  And once you start, it's hard to not become a little depressed by how imperfect everything is.

It's even harder when you are not in a position to afford the change needed to improve things.  Then, one starts to feel not only depressed, but a bit impotent in the face of the imperfections.

This can be multiplied by the perception that one is responsible not only for ones own environment, but for the environments of those near to you (family especially).  It's not a big leap to go from the impotence to a kind of anxiety, born of worrying that you are not doing all you can for the ones around you.

Worse still is knowing that it requires a certain degree of focus to afford change, and that ADD does all it can to rob that focus.  The worry evolves into a kind of despair when this happens, which is often.

No, I'm not suicidal.

Why not?  Many good reasons.   One large reason is that same sense of duty that got me here in the first place.  And a father that won't let me give up on that duty.

Yes, my father left this world almost 15 years ago (will be 15 years in June), but he's still alive in me.  As Vitruvius would say, "I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it's true."  Every time I get down on myself, feeling impotent, angst-ridden and despairing, I immediately hear him telling me to get up.

"Get up.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  And DO something.  Good or bad, make your choice and MOVE."  

Few things irritated my father like indecision.  He was a man of action, someone that did not let things go idle.

This year, my resolution is to reclaim the parts of my life that I have allowed the outside to control due to my indecision.  Stop allowing the world to make choices for me that I should be making.  That I can be making.  That I WILL make.

I will look hard at myself, and account for what I am now.  I will change that which should be changed, tend to what needs tending to and discard that which is unnecessary.

And I am not alone in this, as I have a great friend in Herself to help me, and 3 little faces to inspire me.

And my Dad is still here to guide me.  Yes, Dad, I heard you.  I'm getting back up.